Storms, black clouds and shit….

There’s a storm coming

dark clouds beginning to form on the horizon

not so far that they go unnoticed

and not yet near enough to prepare for their impact

My head is not intact

my soul feels twisted

tears in the eyes

so misty

my chest hurts as the leaden weight of nothingness crushes me beneath

empty bottle

dirty sink

but I turn away, no glass will I clink

for now is not a good time

to dine with the usual red wine

at least thats something that I now know

walk away from the trigger

avoid the catastrophic blow…

Sit and stare through the crack of the back door

looking into nothingness

no desire to explore.

I cannot run

I cannot hide

the storm is here

on the wind I will glide

unless the rains beat me down

down so hard onto the ground

and then I will sit

as gracefully as I can

in silence

sitting

silently weeping

for I am unsure

where this is heading

I don’t know anymore

not that I ever did

I am not one of those who has been blessed with a plan

more fly by the seat of my pants

jumping into fire from the frying pan…..

Depression – and that which manifests from one of the many human emotional states….

Depression, it can appear suddenly for no apparent conscious reason and other times it can engulf us following a catalystic event in our life.

The type of depression which has come and gone from life like the passing seasons, year in and year out, is the one where by it requires no reason, no catalystic event, no invitation – it just arrives, and then stays for while until its time to move on.

I used to become very angry with myself when I felt the grips of depression grasping for me.  I would cry, and then be angry with myself for feeling this way for no reason.  Yet, there was a reason.  In my view, depression is not something which ought to be described as a mental illness.  It is one of many complex human emotional states.  From my experience, medication has not helped to ‘cure’ this alledged ‘illness’.  Because it is not an ‘illness’ as such.  Some human beings are innately more sensitive, more highly alert to the worries and anxieties of this life.  Depression per se is not a ‘bad’ emotional state – and a lot can come out of these periods if one allows the time for the black cloud to pass.

I used to try and resist the dark feelings.  I would fight against myself with anger, self-hate, critical self judgement – which culminated in hurting myself more, both emotionally and physically.  Following the birth of my son almost five years ago, I was engulfed by post-natal depression.  I had been in a depressed period for about a year prior to my pregnancy – it was only during my pregnancy that the black cloud lifted.  I was so content just being during that time.  I had no actually worries, no added stress, I just had to be an incubator and relax.  I had some severe diva mood swings and tantrums – but I wasn’t ‘down’ – I was my typical fiery self.  But following my sons birth I went deep down into the darkness.  Life didn’t seem worth it.  I began suffering from bulimia about 5 months after the birth of my son.  This continued for two/three years.  Looking back I feel sad that I attacked my body, a body that had helped grow a very healthy little boy.  But I hated it – or maybe I just hated life and took it out on myself.

I self harmed, cutting my arms with razor blades.  It somehow released some unknown pressure, watching the blood trickle from cuts.  But then I would be filled with even more pain, coupled with guilt and shame.  So I would drink to blot out them feelings, and the cycle would continue.  I would also shop, in a way that wasn’t helpful or healthy – accumulating ‘stuff’ which I didn’t need and rarely used before bagging it up and giving it to charity.

The bulimia and self harm stopped about 2 years ago.  Body image is still sometimes tricky, but i accept my body for what it is, and I no longer wage a war against it.  But I still go through periods of depression.  Periods where I do not want to interact with the outside world – where it scares the shit out of me, and life itself feels so utterly hopeless and pointless I don’t know why I bother.  I don’t get angry at myself anymore when I feel this way.  I simply let myself feel exactly what I am feeling, without question – and eventually it always passes.  I just don’t get caught up in the dark cloud, I just allow it to hang out until its ready to pass.

It’s okay to feel depressed sometimes, and it certainly isn’t something to be ashamed of.  Our society seems to think that going through depressed periods is a ‘bad’ thing – its a ‘mental illness’- sure fire way to make a person feel better…not!!  Drop the label.  It is a human emotion, just as relevant and important to the human psyche as happiness.  It’s part and parcel of what it means to be human.

Life can be hard and it can be fucking rough at times.  Not all of us can take it on the chin as well as others.  Please do not tell me to ‘keep my chin up’ when I am in a phase of depression – or I may punch you in yours ;)  Everything will pass – it will not remain forever.  If anyone who has taken the time to read this post and is feeling completely overwhelmed by feelings of depression and darkness – I am not going to tell you it will be ok – but it will pass.  Simply allow yourself to be, without judgement or anger – if you wanna sleep all day , do that.  Eventually the reason for the depression will have been satisfied and it will pass over.

Lessons can be learned from everything.

Gangrene…

Eventually the gangrene will set in, rotten to the core until the limb falls off.  Then there is no way back – well unless you consider prosthetics – but it’s not really the same as your original limb.

Life, it moves us forward, ever changing.  You can never step in the same river twice.  Even when things appear the same, day in, day out, they are not.  The mundane is an illusion.  Sameness is an illusion (although I am unsure if sameness is even a word).  Sure everything appears to look the same as it was yesterday, but it isn’t.  We are fools if we believe things are never going to change, that our fortunate/unfortunate state of affairs will continue indefinitely.  Of course it wont.  Everything changes and everything eventually comes to an end.  Hence why promises, or the concept of them baffles me – and also why I break them so often – or simply refuse to make them.  In making a promise you are saying that all will remain exactly as it is the moment you make the promise.  Minds change, situations change, people change, and life propels us forward, forever changing.

Broken promises I can deal with well, because i totally understand the changeability of life.  But being condemned for a mind change or plans which have been changed is never something I am going to passively accept – and I will not apologise or explain myself for my changes of heart.  I follow what is right for me.  Every second my hair and nails grow another tiny bit – so why wouldn’t I continue to grow (and inevitably change) in the same manner?

The people who profess to be exactly the same and never ever break promises are the ones of which I am weary/cautious of – there is just something untrue about keeping to everything.  Or your chasing dreams you have grown out of but refuse to let go.  Nothing wrong in that per se – and I am not discriminating – but its not part of my make up.

There is one thing I am consistent in though – my inconsistency – but who knows – that could change too!

As life moves forward, we do too – there is never a way back – because the past no longer exists but in memory.

To be a cat

A pivotal moment in life for a self-conscious worrier people pleaser.  The moment when you suddenly no longer give a flying rats arse what people are thinking, whether they like you or not or whether they are happy with you.

I’ll never be able to read minds  and thankfully no one can read mine.  I have a ‘bitch face by default’ I look judgemental and snooty when I’m actually not paying any regard or attention to the person I am looking through as I day-dream.  I figured that the same can probably be said for a lot of people.

I have been aware for a long time that it is pointless worrying what people think.  I have also been aware that the only validation I need is actually from myself.  Funny that although I have been aware of these things, it wasn’t until a couple of days ago that it really came to light that I no longer give a shit.  All that stressing about how we look, or how others perceive us.  They can form whatever perception they choose now, I am, I be, and basically i refuse to put on some fake arse show in the hope that I can manipulate others perceptions.

We are born, we live for a little while and then we die.  Death is inevitable, and it happens to every single one of us – so why do we stress about silly shit that will make no bloody difference in the end?  And generally people speak highly of the dead out of respect, so even if people’s perceptions are negative while I am breathing, when I die I’m sure they’ll say some nice things ;) so it really matters a lot less than the unnecessary pressure we put upon ourselves.

So as we all know, none of us are sure when our number will be called, when our mini adventure as human beings will be over.  We simply take it for granted or expect that’ll we’ll be around for a while yet.  And sure, many of us will be.  But the fact is it could all be over in the next blink of an eye.  Wouldn’t matter how many marathons you’d run, how many difficult asanas you could perform – when the games over, its over – death does not discriminate.  So I contemplated how I would behave if a doctor had told me I only had a few weeks left.  Sounds morbid but stick with me.  Now I am not talking about dropping everything to do a last minute round the world trip, or spending a load of money on credit to have the time of my life before it was over.  No, I thought about how I would behave, the way I would approach my life.  I would say exactly what was on my mind, I wouldn’t take any crap or be talked into doing anything I didn’t deem important to me.  I would be totally and authentically me.  The me I am around my family, the true me.

And then I thought, so whats stopping me?  I may only have a few weeks, or even days.  Or maybe I have another 40 years.  Either way I decided to drop the self-conscious worrier people pleaser.  And in the last two days I have been so completely relaxed in myself. No anxiety, no stress.  I took the pressure off.  Now I live.  Un premeditated, no expectations, nada – just living.

The greatest Zen masters/teachers? That will be cats.  Could you ever imagine a cat worrying what someone else thought of it?  Nope, ridiculous idea.  So why the hell do us humans ?

 

If the standard of living could be raised….?

If exploitation could cease to exist

we would see the demise of capitalism in our mist

economies would crash

as we threw out the need

to purchase useless trash…..

Sustainable development

a concept of the upper class?

Cameron liking the Smiths

A sigh of resignation on mass

for this isn’t for you

you fool

you are part of the problem

and yeah I know its not your fault

you were born one of them

but thats no excuse

no, you need no muse

but take Ghandi’s word to heart

and be the change you want to see in the world…..

I was put here on this earth to do something,

something worthwhile

something….

A one woman revolution I am not

at present too timid

to follow whats needed

but the time will come

when it can be taken no more

and fear subsides

we stand up

and show them fuckers the door…..

inequalities,

injustice

discrimination

prejudice…

white privilige…oh how we white people struggle with this concept…

class divisions

the list goes on…

this current situation needs to come to a close

but how

no one knows

others swathed in ignorance

their eyes firmly closed

but if we all adopt that stance

then we don’t have a fucking chance……..

 

Life and the future….

I am not sure whether any of us ever really know what we are doing.  Maybe some people really do have their shit together, but I have a sneaking suspicious that there are more individuals like me out there, who are still wondering what they are going to be when they grow up.  Not sure when that will actually be, I am 31 now and I still feel like it’s a long way off yet.  I know I can’t be the only one.

As far as I can tell I still think like my nineteen year old self.  I am waiting patiently for the day to arrive by which I feel ‘grown’.  I have no bloody idea what I am doing, or what it is I actually would like to be doing.

I love the advice ‘follow your heart’, but what if your heart is still undecided and deliberating?

The remainder of this year is going to be spent working out what I really get a kick out of doing.  What really lights me up and makes my soul sing.  Maybe it is a life long process, and more than likely it will be ever-changing.  I do tend to be quite “faddy”.  I put 110% into something and then after about 6 months my mind changes and I am on to something else.

Nothing is set into stone.  And I am a very changeable person.  Yet, i do think i have figured out how to put my all into a project and see it through to the end, and then allow it to flow and progress naturally.  I am going to focus on the task at hand.  I am going to put all my effort and energy into what I am doing right at this moment.  Not for the sake of the end goal (for that may be ever-changing) not with the future in mind, or where it may lead.  Simply focusing and studying hard on the subject at hand.  Immersing myself so that it is my only focus.  This, I feel will be what will allow me to flourish.  When I have end goals, or targets, I seem to become overwhelmed, I give up because the end seems too far away, or it’s not what I want anymore.  So I am taking the ‘end’ out of the equation – and in doing so I will achieve all the goals which I have not even realised I have yet.

To an enjoyable and productive second year of study!

Sunday afternoon random car lover….

Have you ever followed your gut instinct and been left feeling that you may have acted out of line?  Maybe your judgemental mind had left some poor sod feeling intimidated?

I have.  It happened yesterday afternoon.  I am not really a big fan of confrontation unless it is absolutely necessary.  Generally I prefer to walk away as I can get extremely anxious in situations where I feel less than comfortable.  But yesterday something deep down urged me to react the way that I did.  Although afterwards I criticised myself for maybe being a little harsh, maybe hurting some harmless poor creatures feelings.  I had adrenaline shakes which surprised me as I realised it had taken a bit of courage on my part to do what I just did.

So what happened?

My little dude had been to the park with his grandad, and as I was sat enjoying a conversation with my mum and brother I saw my little man appear at the window.  When I got to the door to let him in he was on his own, and as he noticed my puzzled face he pointed up the street to where Grandad was with a lad i did not know.

“He wants to look at grandads engine” little man said.

“Oh, and who is he?”

“Dunno” was little mans reply.

Thats a bit odd I thought, so I remained at the door, and as my dad and this unknown stranger came closer I adopted my best suspicious stare.

“hiya love, can you go and get me my car keys?”

Is this a joke I thought.  Who the hell is this guy.

“Do you know him Dad?”

“No, but its ok, just get my keys”.

I hesitated, then rolled my eyes, gave the unknown a cold stare and went to get the keys.

When i gave the keys to my dad, the unknown apologetically said,

“I just like cars”

“Yeah?  Well thats my dad, and I don’t trust strangers” I shot back.  All the while thinking, if you like cars why not go home and watch top gear.

I remained at the door.  Something inside of me was keeping me rooted there.  Yeah, it may have been innocent and harmless, but there was no chance i was gonna disappear back inside and then something happens to me dad.  I’d rather be wrong and listen to my instinct than ignore it and end up regretting it.

“I just really like cars” the lad kept saying, as my dad opened the boot and then went round to the drivers side to check out the steering wheel”

“Yeah, fair enough, so you keep saying” I replied.

The more he justified himself, the more suspicious i became.

I didn’t like the kid.

When my dad finally said ta ra to the random car lover the lad looked over and said in a tone I perceived to be slighty cocky and off “you have a nice day now” to me.  There was something about the way he said it that made me feel like my judgement not to trust him was right.

What a cock.

I didnt respond, but just continued to stare him down.

My dad had said he was harmless.  But, from my experience the ones you think seem harmless are sometimes the sneakiest bastards.

Yet following the event I began to question myself.  Had I been a little harsh?  Was I too judgemental?  If he had appeared differently would I have reacted differently?  Who knows, but the more I have thought about it, the more odd the whole thing seemed.

I have come to conclude, that if something feels odd or off it usually is.  And who knows, maybe me being there and reacting the way I did prevented any dodgy happenings.

I also truly believe “If thou doth protesteth too much” thou is usually lying or covering something.

So if you like cars, become a mechanic, buy one, go to a car showroom, watch topgear, play with the dinky toy ones, collect models, research em on the t’interweb….

Funny thing was, he never did look at the engine…….

Thought stream chaos

Moment to moment, second by second, hour by hour.  Days become weeks, then months then years.  Wide awake to the sound of an alarm clock and fifteen years have passed.

Where did it go?  So much, yet so little has happened in than time.

Maybe I am jaded.  All the spiritual, yoga meditation, mindfulness band wagon, the new market trend, the in thing, has grown sour.

Everyone just trying to make money by promising the keys to happiness, the keys to peace and well being, thriving in the knowledge that in reality life can be pretty darn miserable at times.  And thats fine.  But don’t try and feed me bullshit.  Religious institutions have been doing this very same thing for centuries.

Make human beings placid.  Don’t act in anger.  Meditate.  Be calm.

It is not in my nature.  It feels false.  Not saying its like that for everyone, or that its all bull.  If it works for you it works.  Thats great.

But for me, what I have noticed is that the more I try to be gentle, and calm the more it feels as if I am a river attempting to flow the wrong way.

Acceptence of what is, is key.

I get that now.

I am feisty, hot tempered.  Prone to bouts of depression and harsh self criticism followed by hitting the floor but always, always picking myself back up again.  I am strong, resilient.  i am selfish, and I am fickle.  I can change my mind like the weather changes in Manchester – in the blink of an eye.  I’m also kind, and thoughtful, and generous – but not all the time – I’m no saint.  But I am human.

I can be full of nonsense and talk shit.  I have a mouth like a sailor.  I am scared of everything but not afraid to face anything.  i like to be on my own, with my thoughts.  And if you interupt me when I am in this space, I don’t care who you are, I’m going to snap.

I am not mellow, I am not passive or placid.

I’m wary and untrusting because I’ve been around folks in my life that make you realise not everyone is coming from a good place.  But there are some that are.  I’m going to be quiet until I figure out who’s who and what’s going on.

Call me aloof, call me stuck up.  If you are a true friend eventually you’ll see you were wrong.  And if you ain’t never going to have a friendship with me, then I don’t give a shit what you think.

This post is a ramble.  I am just emptying out the thought stream which is chaotically flowing through my mind at this moment.  because if i don’t I know I will not be able to sleep.

Yep, there will be plenty of typo’s and errors, because i never edit.  Ever.

For some reason, my thoughts are talking in an American accent.  A Bronx accent to be precise.  Funny thing is, although in my head it sounds spot on, if I attempted to speak out loud I could guarantee it would sound Welsh

And the thoughts have quietened.  I’m not too sure why it felt so important for me to type what I wrote.  But it must be something because I now feel serene.

Maybe i just had to get it out there.  I’m not following any enlightened society, yoga philosophy for dummies agenda.  It just feels to false and airy fairy when you look at reality.  Sure it is all about perception etc.  but all the manifestation ones reality?  yeah i am sure that people in Iraq and Afghanistan and Syria and North Korea will agree, they manifested there reality.  (Please note these are simply my own thoughts and opinions).

Noticed how expensive yoga equipment is?  And yoga clothes?

Retreats to India and Costa Rica.

The people who really need it are the ones who will probably never be able to afford to do it, or have even been educated to think in a holistic way.  (Sorry if this does’nt make sense).

i like yoga.  I feel relaxed after I’ve practised.  But what is it with all these people and their yoga videos and beach pose selfies?

I hear them saying “She’s projecting distaste because she actually wishes she was doing it”  Dam right, maybe I am, and also because maybe ordinary folks don’t need more shit to compare themselves to.  Gorgeous yogini video is completely inspiring at first, but the novelty wears thin when you realise that you are not that person.  You are you.  You live in England.  In a deprived area that come autumn and winter its always grey.  It takes motivation of spartan strength to simply open your eyes come morning.  Fuck getting up early to do asanas. (Another thing to add to the list of self criticism – lazy and negative!!)  haha.

Sod it.  Its how my thoughts are flowing at this present moment.

If you made it this far, well done – congratulations are in order for completing my super random tangent (badly structured, full of grammatical errors etc..) blog post!

This was me without hiding behind poetry…..

Time

Time, spreading out before me.  Days with little obligation to do anything.  So why have I not been writing?  I’ve recently embarked upon simplifying my life and wardrobe and working on creating my signature “look” as it were.  At present I am creating a peice which focuses on my take on a capsule “project 333″ wardrobe, so I have been spending a lot of my time this week reading a lot of inspiring blogs on the subject.

Also, with the next semester start date creeping toward me I have been enjoying my last moments of free time.  A couple of weeks without any set structure or routine, which I must admit, have been absolutely wonderful.  Similar to a holiday but at home (and without the heat/sun).

I shall be back with poetry and other musings soon.

Happy Friday all!