The life of Mia. Introduction.

Disclaimer – The following is a work of fiction. Likeness to real events and people is simply sheer coincidence.

Every human being is born unique.  Yet insofar as life goes we are all very similar.  We all have our faults, our strengths and weaknesses.  And we all have our internal battles.

The only thing we know about Mia so far is that, a. She is a woman. B. She was in a relationship with a married man, and c. She then made the conscious choice to walk away from the relationship.  Dependant upon the type of person the reader is, they may have judged Mia as a bad person.  A woman of dodgy morals.  One may be more inclined to judge if they are the wife or child of a cheating husband/father.  Our experiences colour and shape our perceptions of life and other people.

For as long as Mia can remember she has been involved with a constant conflict between the angel on her left shoulder and the devil on her right.  Made all the more stressful with her incessant need for people to like her and to be proud of her.  Brought up in a practicing Catholic household, she has had her fair  share of issues with the guilt complex.

Starting from somewhere near the beginning in Mia’s existence on this earth I am going to tell her story.

The life of Mia….

Mia lay in bed that morning contemplating her life.  Out of nowhere came the realisation that she no longer wanted to be a woman who was in a relationship with a married man.  She knew that there was nothing she could do about the past, but she could be the person she wanted to be now, and make better choices for her future.

Later that morning Mia heard her phone bleep.  It was a message from Luca.  She decided that now was the time to tell him that she would no longer see him.

He was hurt and confused.  The days that followed saw Mia’s message inbox fill up with text after text from Luca.  He wanted to know why,how could she do this, how horrific this ignoring was.  What had he done?  She had known he was married.

Mia didn’t respond.  Yes, she had known, and she couldn’t change her past decisions.  But she was determined to make the right decision now.  She no longer wanted to hurt someone she didn’t even know. 

Ten years would pass, and then twenty.  Mia moved forwards, living her life from her values, doing what made sense to her, and avoiding causing another human being pain.  Luca remained married….

Miserable in misery

Miserable in misery, it’s been so long, and eyes fail to see.  Why am I here, what does this all mean?  Clouds of perfume hang in the air, I need to get out of this room, how, I do not care.  At the bottom of a mountain, endless promise lies ahead.  Fear of the unknown, ultimately fear of death.

Optimism today is not a close allie, to say I am feeling a lttle lost would not be a lie.  I have forgotten where I am supposed to be, forgotten the meaning of my purpose which is before me.  They say in order to find oneself first you must get terribly lost, so maybe there is the hope, I am on the journey, though in the darkness I grasp and I grope, at what today is nothingness, are my hopes and dreams up in smoke?

Patience eludes me, I snap and I snarl.  Sleep not yet beckoning, so comes pacing and then I prowl.  A panther locked up in too small a cage, I can not hide anymore, I snap into a rage.

It’s time to turn the page.

Dried up tears on the soft skin of my cheek.  Calm now, my breathe barely audible, I feel quiet and meek.  Emotional rollercoasters, I am up and I am down, a dog chasing its own tail, I go around and around.

Meh day

Some days it all gets a bit much, a child’s voice akin to nails scrapping down a chalk board,the incessant din,no comfort in words, empty silence, left alone,not reimbursed, for time spent in the heady fog, clouded and confused,something which has jammed the cogs.  No longer turning, stuck for
an eternity

Unconscious tension

Two days, one incessant, vice-like headache gripping my skull, seeping its cold pain over each of my eyelids, knotting up my shoulders and pulling on my neck so strongly that I am left feeling nauseated.

With no option other than to slow down and be quiet, I have sat and breathed into the pain, into the nausea.

This is what tension and stress I am unaware of does to let me know that its there.  It brings this horrendous pain and wraps it around my upper body in order to get me to notice, to pay attention to what my body is trying to tell me.

Usually when I have these tension headaches I miss the point of the them.  I take painkillers to the point where I am rattling, I attempt to continue ticking off my to-do list of things that simply must be done.  I become irritable and snappy – god forbid if you breathe in my direction I will snap your head right off!  And interestingly the headache does not subside, it continues, just as the knots in my shoulders multiple until I am eventually walking around in a bad mood cloud with my shoulders so high up around my ears it’s as though I was born without a neck.  (I once had a continuous tension headache for two months – it was horrific – when i left my job of the time and found a new job it finally cleared up).

Relax.

I thought that this time I would pay attention.  The headache has arrived due to stress and tension, if I continue to allow myself to get stressed out over all the little things my headache aint going nowhere fast, regardless of how many paracetamol capsules I pop.

I’ve taken the pressure off.

It hasn’t gone, but like everything it’s not going to last forever.  So I am taking time out.  I am looking after myself.  No tempers flaring, no stress getting the better of me.  making the choice to just sit and breathe, and just let everything be.

Study break

Revision for a resit is always slightly more frantic, for me at least.  To be fair, if I had actually undertook some revision the first time round i wouldn’t have found myself in this current predicament.

If I fail the resit, well, that spells out the end of my life at university.  But I am not about to let that happen, so I have been buried under lecture notes and many books revising. Frantically.

My head is feeling so tired and overwhelmed.  I’m now aware of the reason I probably didn’t want to revise the first time round was due to the utter dryness of the topic.  Yet I kinda wish I would have just sucked it up and got on with it as it would have saved me this grim task of revision during my summer holidays.  Although summer feels like it is at its end, the winter quilt is back on the bed and the rain lashing on the windows and wind howling through the streets makes it feel move like a November night than the last weeks in August – my feet are like blocks of ice!!

So, my little study break is over.  I’m glad i decided to spend it productively by adding a post to my blog.  Now for a quick injection of nicotine to get me through my last hour!  yeah, smoking aint cool but hey, I like most what’s bad for me ;)

My thoughts on Friday….

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Will you live life totally and die completely or will you be dead whilst you are still breathing?
The only thing one can fear is not death, but the fear of a wasted life – for if you live fully and embrace life and every single experience how can one fear death, it is yet another experience which to embrace, to welcome, the next adventure into the unknown. Make everyday an adventure.

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Don’t start a revolution…..be a rebel, be you..

One life
laugh

Don’t take it all so seriously
most of the shit is trivial
it doesn’t really matter…

Thankfully I’m not a politician, i’m not creating wars, meaningless wars…
because they are meaningless…
We came from dust, all of us
and we will all eventually turn to dust once more…
it wont matter what battles we won, whether we were right, how successful or how rich, how powerful, whether we ‘conquered’ countries – countries which arent actually anybodies – the whole world belongs to us all, not one single person or government…
When we die will any of that trivial shit matter?
Nope…
So chill the fuck out
enjoy life
stop bitching
quit stressing
celebrate
dANCE
act crazy
and colour outside the lines
And always remember, when the shit hits the fan and youre up shit creek without a paddle, or maybe without a kayak…
This too shall pass
you wont be stuck there forever
nothing lasts forever…
So its all good…
relax
breathe
enjoy
And BE KIND :)

Death and Time – kala

Death and time

both appear as one and the same within my mind

Space open with a stagnate smell

messy as hell

difficulty faced in the attempts at accepting grace

time is slipping by

the tap is dripping

if I say forever is it just a lie

there are no guarantees this one can not deny

The smell overwhelms and engulfs

sickly sweet mustiness

can one always be predicted to settle for less?

Stagnate and death

but a death whilst alive

my eyes are oceans

filled with salty waves they cry….

finger tips touch the mala

minds filled with the fear of kala

fear what is not known

yet this life is only on loan

time is running out

I hear the cries

I hear them moan

time and death appear as one and the same

I will my mind to stop this silly game

for in fear I come face to face with my own foolishness

embrace life in its whole deliciousness

Through fear we become the fearless

warriors

No race agaisnt time

no death

deep within we glance at our immortality

accepting gratefully

yet I run from the stagnate pool

to remain I would be a fool….