Moment to moment, second by second, hour by hour. Days become weeks, then months then years. Wide awake to the sound of an alarm clock and fifteen years have passed.
Where did it go? So much, yet so little has happened in than time.
Maybe I am jaded. All the spiritual, yoga meditation, mindfulness band wagon, the new market trend, the in thing, has grown sour.
Everyone just trying to make money by promising the keys to happiness, the keys to peace and well being, thriving in the knowledge that in reality life can be pretty darn miserable at times. And thats fine. But don’t try and feed me bullshit. Religious institutions have been doing this very same thing for centuries.
Make human beings placid. Don’t act in anger. Meditate. Be calm.
It is not in my nature. It feels false. Not saying its like that for everyone, or that its all bull. If it works for you it works. Thats great.
But for me, what I have noticed is that the more I try to be gentle, and calm the more it feels as if I am a river attempting to flow the wrong way.
Acceptence of what is, is key.
I get that now.
I am feisty, hot tempered. Prone to bouts of depression and harsh self criticism followed by hitting the floor but always, always picking myself back up again. I am strong, resilient. i am selfish, and I am fickle. I can change my mind like the weather changes in Manchester – in the blink of an eye. I’m also kind, and thoughtful, and generous – but not all the time – I’m no saint. But I am human.
I can be full of nonsense and talk shit. I have a mouth like a sailor. I am scared of everything but not afraid to face anything. i like to be on my own, with my thoughts. And if you interupt me when I am in this space, I don’t care who you are, I’m going to snap.
I am not mellow, I am not passive or placid.
I’m wary and untrusting because I’ve been around folks in my life that make you realise not everyone is coming from a good place. But there are some that are. I’m going to be quiet until I figure out who’s who and what’s going on.
Call me aloof, call me stuck up. If you are a true friend eventually you’ll see you were wrong. And if you ain’t never going to have a friendship with me, then I don’t give a shit what you think.
This post is a ramble. I am just emptying out the thought stream which is chaotically flowing through my mind at this moment. because if i don’t I know I will not be able to sleep.
Yep, there will be plenty of typo’s and errors, because i never edit. Ever.
For some reason, my thoughts are talking in an American accent. A Bronx accent to be precise. Funny thing is, although in my head it sounds spot on, if I attempted to speak out loud I could guarantee it would sound Welsh
And the thoughts have quietened. I’m not too sure why it felt so important for me to type what I wrote. But it must be something because I now feel serene.
Maybe i just had to get it out there. I’m not following any enlightened society, yoga philosophy for dummies agenda. It just feels to false and airy fairy when you look at reality. Sure it is all about perception etc. but all the manifestation ones reality? yeah i am sure that people in Iraq and Afghanistan and Syria and North Korea will agree, they manifested there reality. (Please note these are simply my own thoughts and opinions).
Noticed how expensive yoga equipment is? And yoga clothes?
Retreats to India and Costa Rica.
The people who really need it are the ones who will probably never be able to afford to do it, or have even been educated to think in a holistic way. (Sorry if this does’nt make sense).
i like yoga. I feel relaxed after I’ve practised. But what is it with all these people and their yoga videos and beach pose selfies?
I hear them saying “She’s projecting distaste because she actually wishes she was doing it” Dam right, maybe I am, and also because maybe ordinary folks don’t need more shit to compare themselves to. Gorgeous yogini video is completely inspiring at first, but the novelty wears thin when you realise that you are not that person. You are you. You live in England. In a deprived area that come autumn and winter its always grey. It takes motivation of spartan strength to simply open your eyes come morning. Fuck getting up early to do asanas. (Another thing to add to the list of self criticism – lazy and negative!!) haha.
Sod it. Its how my thoughts are flowing at this present moment.
If you made it this far, well done – congratulations are in order for completing my super random tangent (badly structured, full of grammatical errors etc..) blog post!
This was me without hiding behind poetry…..